I see a lot of shares lately about mental health and how men should reach out. WHO DO WE REACH OUT TO?
From April last year I've suffered with depression and from August I've suffered with suicidal thoughts. Now those thoughts are so intense that I have no idea how to escape them. You have no idea how many times I've stuck rope around my neck, you've no idea how much I know about suicide, the different methods, statistics, which are painful, which are not, what's quickest, which has what effect, what happens if it goes wrong, but yet I have no idea why I haven't done it yet. Maybe because there is subconsciously a very small part of me wants to live. Or maybe I'm worthless and to weak to do it.
I've tried so many times to reach out, a lot of friends disowned me and didn't want to know. Other than a very small handful of people, no one wanted to know! Not even the NHS, I was passed from pillar to post. Health in mind, ATS, and then Woodlands hospital. And guess what, I still didn't really get the help. Perhaps I really am that worthless that I'm not worth their time. My ex will confirm that and that's why I think she just finished with me during the hardest point in my life. Not only did she finish with me, she cut all contact. The one person in this world that I thought I could rely on and trust. Just when I thought I couldn't get any lower, I found a new low. So, who are we meant to talk to, if we can't even talk to our loved one? 6 years gone! (maybe she didn't know how to cope, and I don't blame her)
Each and everyday I think about suicide; I’ve thought about it so much now that I'm happy to go. In-fact I wake up every morning crying that I'm still alive and have to endure another day of pain. I'm at peace with the thought that suicide is inevitable now. It's not about wanting to die; it's about not wanting to live with this pain. A pain that is impossible to describe.
On the outside I looked like I had it all, good job, success, good looking loving girlfriend, beautiful daughter, money, house, holidays, cool hobbies, but the inside of me would tell a different story. Constant pain that runs a million mph in my head, a pain that you feel in every bone and every muscle, but all from the inside.
This is why you really should be nice to people; you never really know what someone is suffering.
I can see why so many people decide on suicide and give up so quickly, or maybe not quickly because no one knows how long they have been suffering.
What does mental health feel like and what does it feel like to fight. Well for me it is a constant pain that runs foggy in my head, a deep sadness that never goes away, hell in your head, an invisible weight on your back, feeling negative and turning any positive into a negative, feeling worthless, crying for no reason, thinking that everyone is better off without, mind racing a million miles an hour, believing earth is hell and heaven is the only option after hell, shame, lonely, absolute exhaustion. Fighting it is where you've hunted the internet for answers, joined support groups, had therapy, spent over 200 hours on the phone to Samaritans, reached out to people, taken medication, mediation, screamed, ran, exercised, tried eating healthy, grip to everything that you once enjoyed, but yet nothing takes away the pain and finally you lose interest in everything you once loved, including life! Defeated is when you come to terms that it's inevitable, that it's going to happen, where you've chosen your method, and now await the day it becomes to much. Defeated is where you're happy to die, to make peace with the illness, and can't see anyway out. It becomes impossible to think about anything else other than suicide. Defeated is when you're awake 19 hours of the day and 17 of those are spent thinking about suicide, and the other 2 are spent talking about suicide. It's knowing that you don't know how many days you have left until you explode, but you know it is coming.
They say the final action is on impulse, which I'm sure it is, it's all that pain that finally can't be held back anymore. The only thing that takes away the pain is knowing that when you do it, you're set free from the pain. Freedom waits for the brave!
This post isn't for pity, I'm beyond caring if anyone likes this post, comments or reaches out to be a friend. This is to show you why we can't reach out, because if we do reach out then we are seen as weak, or as a loser, it's unattractive and makes us worthless, our friends ditch us and then the women we love lose interest and run.
I've now run away in a last-ditch effort at life, that's why I can post this post, because I don't think I'll make it. I don't have to face anyone whilst in a weak state. What do I matter after all, because I guess I'm not famous?
Maybe, just maybe the world can show me a reason for living. I'll carry on trying to fake it till I make it, but that's the truth of my head right now. Maybe you'll see me again in 3 months, 6 months or maybe I'll just become a missing person lost in this world and never seen again.